Mary: What’s the fear of public places?
Me: Angoraphobia
Brandon: Angoraphobia? Heh… that’s the fear of rabbits.
Me: What did I say?
Brandon: Angoraphobia
Me: What is it?
Brandon: Agoraphobia
Me: Oh.
Archive for April, 2008
The Ns and Outs
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008But the Hangover Looks Oh So Good
Tuesday, April 29th, 20081. Brandon and I went into Lowe’s the other day. Do you realize what this is like for us right now? It’s like setting an alcoholic free in Italy. Let’s just say that I could have gotten completely smashed on home improvement products. I may have even licked an appliance or two. If (aka when) we go back, I will most likely be giving someone a call for a ride. I know my weaknesses, and I don’t buy building material and drive.
2. I just ate an entire bag of dried mango. I’m trying to ignore the caloric intake and concentrate on how I just got 10% of my recommended daily calcium intake. My bones are practically petrifying in my flesh right now.
3. Why is Tiffany carrying a leg of lamb in that GoPhone commercial with Meatloaf? And why is she married to him? Did her career go down that much? Perhaps he promised to hose her down with holy water if she gets too hot, hot.
With Fries On the Side
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
Look! I’m in an Amy sandwich! That’s right. I’m all meat.
Last night, our friends, Anne and Jeremy, got married at this art gallery in the world’s shortest ceremony. The bride came down the aisle, I looked down at the program to see what was next and I missed the whole thing! My guess is that there was magic involved.
Great night, overall. There should be more weddings in art galleries. Maybe not at Bodies Revealed, but you know… in general.
Making Senior Citizen
Saturday, April 26th, 2008Brandon got a promotion yesterday. Yay!! He’s now a senior at his company, which works out well since I used to work with senior citizens. I hope that he won’t start needing any assistance in the bathroom. Oooh… I wonder if we can get a senior discount at the movies. It probably won’t make that much of a difference anyway, since we’ll have to go to the matinee. Somebody’s going to have to start going to bed at 6.
Eureka!
Thursday, April 24th, 2008I love new discoveries! Mostly, I do. Some, probably not so much… like snackable cuttlefish. But, I recently discovered one that I’m quite amused by. In at least one of the restrooms at the church, they’ve installed an Xlerator hand dryer which claims to dry your hands completely in 10-15 seconds. And it does! This is no puny hand dryer, my friends. So when you see the little arrow at the bottom that says, “Feel the Power,” you better expect it.
For some reason it reminds me of this guy that hit on me about 8 years ago or so. In his wooing, he informs me that he’s actually a local professional wrestler. Hearing this got me all hot and bothered… if you take away the hot. If that wasn’t bad enough, he tells me that his professional wrestling name is The Oscillator. What?!! Like a fan? Do you get into the ring and rotate your opponent into pieces?
In other news, I got to have lunch today with my friend Dave. Good friend, good times, good bison. Doesn’t get much gooder than that.
That Doesn’t Mean My Eyes Will Soon Be Turning Red
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008I was taking a look at my pictures from our cruise, and I found this one from our rain forest hike in St. Lucia (that may be the only time you’ll ever see me use the word “hike” in this blog unless it’s in a post about a nightmare I had… or referring to the price of gas).
Don’t you like how the water brings out his eyes… and his tongue?
Moving On Up
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008Brandon and I are going for the record of longest closing process on our new house. And when we’ve got our eye on a prize, you can bet we’re going to get it! The original closing date (2 months after signing the contract) was next Monday, but due to circumstances that are way too long and way too boring to go into, the date has been pushed back until May 30th.
We did have our inspection yesterday. What a weird experience. That’s something you don’t see when making any other purchases. “Are you interested in this DVD player? The rewind button doesn’t work, it’s missing a cord, it scratches every 3rd DVD and you can be prepared that it might explode in the next 2 to 3 months. Can I ring you up?”
So now I’ve got a month to dwell on all the things that could possibly go wrong with the house, which I’ve come to conclude, is why they call it a dwelling.
Cough It Up
Monday, April 21st, 2008So I set out one of those 100 calorie packs of shortbread cookies along with a soda to bring to work today. Then I went into our room and got my jacket out of the closet. I came back out, grabbed the cookies and the soda, put them in my bag and left.
Mid-morning, I started daydreaming of shortbread (and riding one of those tiny clown bikes), so I thought I’d go grab the cookies (no tiny clown bikes in sight). When I looked in the bag, there was a small packet but it wasn’t cookies. It was cat treats! So sad. No cookies. No tiny bikes.
The good news is that I won’t have hairballs for a while.
Malarky!
Sunday, April 20th, 2008We went over to Amy L.’s last night for corn chowder, chicken, Eddie Izzard (not edible) and games. Way too fun! We played Malarky which is similar to Balderdash, but rather than making up a definition you make up an answer to a question. It’s fun in and of itself, but we take it too the next level (fun plus). Rather than trying to write the most convincing answer, we try to write the most entertaining answer. Here’s some samples:
Why does a dog shake it’s hind legs when you scratch it on it’s belly?
Brandon: Parasites living on the dog’s bottom region release powerful wiggle toxins into the dog’s blood stream when scratched.
What is the difference in ingredients between industrial cleaners and commercial home cleaners?
Jeremy: Industrial strength has larger grits. Commercial strength has cheesy grits.
What is the purpose of the large amount of oil in the head of a sperm whale?
Brandon: It keeps them alive during their long journey to see the elusive egg whales.
If Mrs. stands for misses, why is there an R in it?
Me: It was inserted during the feminist movement. The R stands for revenge, and don’t you forget it.
Why does Mickey Mouse only have 4 fingers on each hand?
Amy L: Mickey Mouse was kind of a jerk and had a problem with always flipping people off. They had to remove one finger so he could never offend children. Extra punishment was that he could never make a turkey drawing with his hand.
Brandon: He lost two fingers in an exchange of fisticuffs resulting from an off-color comment about his sexual orientation.
Jennifer: Mickey used to be a terrible womanizer, loved to start bar fights and cussed like a sailor. When Walt found him, he was trying to solicit himself for $3 and a line of blow. Walt took him in and sent him to rehab to clean up. While at rehab, they cut off his 5th finger to help him “always remember where he came from.
I don’t remember the real answers, but I don’t know that I want to. I’d rather just live with the reality in my head that my cleaning products are made of cheesy grits. Mmmm… cheesy grits.
Nobody Likes Scurvy
Saturday, April 19th, 2008With all of the sickness going around, I felt that I needed to add a little more vitamin C to my life. There’s no better way of getting that than to bring out the Juice. Juice Newton, that is.
I can feel my immunity building up with every note of Queen of Hearts, Angel of the Morning or Loves Been a Little Bit Hard on Me. Begone you germs! Away from me you virus! I wear the shield of Juice!
Should you feel a little queasy, you too can get a good source of vitamin C from Juice’s MySpace page. It does a body good.
Drink up!